I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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