The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
