kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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