I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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