I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
