Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
