So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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