She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
