your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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