When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
