If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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