Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
