I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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