1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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