i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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