so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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