God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
