I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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