I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
