am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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