There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
