I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
pop tarts are not kleenex
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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