24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
