I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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