i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
