I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
