peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Found your dick twin last night
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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