Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
