the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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