why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
