There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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