Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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