just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
