I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
