Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
