I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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