That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
