i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
