My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
