dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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