i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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