it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
