yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
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