I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
