I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
