you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
