apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Come see our sink grown plant.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
