i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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