I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
vagina is talking i cant
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.