I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
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