I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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