Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
