bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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