I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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