It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
