Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
We need to rekindle our bromance
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
