Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
