you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
